The look of concern

Why was I so obsessed with being so strong? Being the perfect pregnant woman? If anyone asked how I was, I would reply with “amazing, I don’t even know I am pregnant”. I kept saying to myself how lucky I was to have a good pregnancy, which was true but why wasn’t I honest with myself and admit that being pregnant alone was just a bit shit…

I had an appointment at the hospital for routine injections, as the hospital was quite far from my family and friends I went alone. I was taken to the midwife and took a seat feeling pretty good as it was midday and was out of work for a few hours. I handed over my notes (which I soon realised we’re now an extension of myself and couldn’t go anywhere without them) and gave them to the midwife, she started to read through whilst flicking through the pages frantically . She then had a concerned look on her face and I asked if there was something wrong, she didn’t look at me and excused herself from the room for a few minutes with my notes. I instantly went into panic, it must be something bad otherwise why would she look so concerned. 

She returned to the room five minutes later and apologised for the delay, again I asked what was wrong and she explained to me that the care I had received from my midwives was not up to standards which resulted in standard tests being missed and the notes they had completed showed areas of concern. That word ‘concern’ filled my with dread. She continued to explain that the midwife had taken measurements of my belly which highlighted there may be an issue with the size and that it was not quite where it should be on the growth chart. The nurse then went into detail regarding the blood tests and injections that had been missed but I was not listening to a word she was saying (luckily she wrote it all in my notes) I was then shown to another to have my blood taken. I was told that I would need to come back into the hospital daily and connected to a monitor to track her heart rate until they had availability to give me a ultrasound scan which would confirm her growth. 
I walked out of the waiting room and started walking towards my car, I could feel myself welling up. I go to the parking ticket machine and I held my breath whilst frantically trying to find change in my purse, I paid for my ticket and practically ran to my car. I don’t think I have ever cried so hard in my life, it felt like someone had ripped out my heart and I could not contain myself. I was not thinking rationally in the slightest, what I heard was there’s something wrong with your baby and we need to monitor the her daily as we’re worried. I sat in the car park for about 25 minutes, crying so hard my eyes were burning. Was this my fault because I was more concerned about being fine on my own and having this great pregnancy that I missed signs something was wrong? 

I needed my mum….