The birth of Simba

The dreaded epidural! When I was pregnant I said I don’t want a birth plan I just know I didn’t want an epidural. I remember thinking how can I write a plan for something I have never done before, how would I know what to do? What would I want?. I was right I had no idea it would be this exhausting. The anaesthetist started to prep me for the epidural and she put my hair up in a pony tail right on the top of my head, I mean you don’t care what you look like at this stage but I didn’t bet on looking like a pineapple. She started to put the epidural in and I turned to look at Ryan and he was crying, this was the first time he got upset. He said he just felt helpless and how he felt sorry for me being in this much pain, I told him that nothing was gonna happen for the next four hours on the drip so he should go and get some food from the near by supermarket. Why didn’t I have the epidural earlier?! This stuff was even better than the gas and air and I wanted to marry that stuff. I was like a new woman, no pain and I was relaxed to the max. This picture says it all. 

Ryan returned from Sainsbury’s red bloodshot eyes, peperami in hand and a large costa. I asked if he was ok and he said he had a little cry in the car and now he feels better, he’s such a softie. 

Four hours later and I was 10cm dilated, it was the moment I was dreading. The midwife said your going to start pushing now, how do you push when you can’t feel anything? With great difficulty that’s how. The first thought I had was, am I going to poo because I wouldn’t know if I did. Second thought was am I going to get piles, the answer to both was yes. I’m pushing, I’m pushing, and I look at the midwives face she looks like she’s watching an episode of countdown I knew nothing was happening. She went to get the doctor and I just looked at Ryan, I knew this wasn’t good. She came back and the doctor explained that the baby was facing the wrong way and this would explain the intense pain for the past few days, unfortunately this meant that they wanted to try forceps delivery. This terrified me, what you want to put metal salad hands in me and pull the baby out by her head….? I was so high I just agreed and let’s face it, what ever was best for the baby I was gonna do. They said if they couldn’t deliver via salad hands they would go straight for a c-section because I had been in active labour for 23 hours. 

I was wheeled to theatre. I was absolutely terrified, I have never been to hospital before never mind to theatre. When we got to theatre I looked around and weirdly felt safe, the sterile environment made me feel I was in safe hands. They topped up my epidural and it had worked a bit better than expected and I was numb from the neck down, pretty terrifying. The doctor decided to tell me that he was going to try and turn the babies head with his hands instead of the forceps, yes his hands plural!!! By the time I had taken in what was going to happen the doctor decided let’s just go for c-section. The blue screen went up, it was time! 
Ryan was sat next to my head, I don’t know what possessed him but he decided to take a sneaky look behind the screen. He was surprisingly calm, I think he was staying strong for me as he could see I was starting to panic. 

Out of all the Pinterest ‘pregnancy & labour’ boards I had made not one included delivery via c-section, I just didn’t think I would have one. Why? I have no idea. I am kind of glad I didn’t research every fine detail as ignorance is bliss. 

The pulling and tugging was the weirdest sensation I have ever experienced. They played music while they were working and I wished I knew what song was playing when my baby was born but I do remember what song was playing when they were tugging away, wizard – I wish it could be Christmas every day. It was July! 
A few more seconds of pulling and she was here, lifted over the curtain like Simba. She had her eyes wide open looking at the world for the first time. She was whisked off to the table so she could be checked over and Ryan could cut part of her cord, I could see the midwife with her and I just cried I cried a lot. I had a baby, a healthy perfect baby called Grace. It was a few minutes later until Ryan came over to me with her and I couldn’t hold her as I was so numb. He sat next to me while they stitched me up holding Grace and I couldn’t stop crying, why can’t I hold her, I just wanted to touch her. 

She was put in a glass trolley and her and I was wheeled to the ward. I felt helpless, was I even a mum?