Daddies have emotions too!

Hours later and it was all such a blur. If giving birth hurt that much why do people do it so much? Because you forget everything! You forget the pain, the trauma, the poking and pulling, you do remember the emotion. It's the emotion that has stuck with me the most, it's so intense how can you forget it. I have never felt so anxious, excited, depressed, extactic, all in the same week.

Once we was back on the ward the midwife said to Ryan do you want to put her in a nappy and get her changed as I still couldn't move as I was numb from the neck down. He looked at me as if to say what do I do. The midwife just stood next to Ryan and watched him without helping, I felt so sorry as he had no idea what he was doing. I think dads get a bad rep when it comes to labour, no one ever thinks about the emotional journey they go through. From the day I got pregnant to the day she was born he has changed as a person, I think most men do. He tried as hard as he could to stay strong and supportive throughout the labour, but he felt so helpless seeing me in such pain. I could see in his eyes he wanted to take the pain from me, is it harder going though the pain or not being able to help someone in such pain? 

When he went out to buy snacks after 15 hours of active labour he needed that release, he needed to let out all that emotion without worrying me. If I ever go to the Sainsbury's near the hospital I will keep my eyes pealed for a guy mid-labour crying into a packet sandwich as I am sure it happens a lot! 

Here I go again, always have to be in control of a situation. The numbness had worn off, I had eaten an egg sarnie, drank three cups of tea, finally held my daughter, and politely declined my placenta that had arrived in what looked like a happy meal box. I needed a shower, immediately! There are so many books, websites, and classes that tell you what labour is like but where is the warning of the crap that happens after? I had a cesarean why was I bleeding so much? I said to the midwife can I have a shower please, she looked at me with a smirk and said I wouldn't just yet. Well I wasn't asking I was saying I am going for a shower. I got off the bed and went for a shower, let's put it this way it looked like a scene from the walking dead in the ward to the shower which was about 10 meters. I felt pretty awful as the midwives ran to clean it up but I said to them please let me clean it,obviously they laughed as I had just had my stomach cut open less than four hours ago and I wanted to get on my knees and clean the floor. I had a shower and didn't feel any better just now wet and hotter. 

I finally had some sleep for a few hours then we was moved to a different ward where we would stay until I was discharged. I had no sence of time, day, or month.