The milk factory

We were now home with our little girl as a family, which felt amazing but with the constant midwife visits, health visitor, and family popping by it didn’t really feel like the new life I was expecting. At the time I just wanted to be alone with my husband and my baby, why? Because I looked like crap, felt like crap, smelt like crap, oh and I was a human cow. Leads me on nicely as to why I felt like this, breastfeeding! 

When I first found out I was pregnant I knew I didn’t want to breastfeed. It wasn’t for me, the thought sent a shudder down my spine. Whilst in my third trimester I started to read up about formula feeding and quickly realised that breastfeeding must be the most important thing to a newborn baby (states every baby feeding advice). So of course I need to bite the bullet and just do this, I couldn’t deprive my child of something so important... “your baby will have every illness if you don’t breastfeed, your baby won’t progress like all other babies” in my naive state I pined all this on my Pinterest board - feeding. 

In hospital I started breastfeeding right away and with the amazing help from the midwives I was like a duck to water and felt like frigging Wonder Woman! Check me out giving my baby all this liquid gold! That definitely makes me an awesome mummy! 

After getting home it hit me like a shovel that I had to feed in front of people, say what? My close friends and family, how would they feel about it? I knew how I felt, awkward. Well you know what the baby needs feeding so tough, get on with it. It surprised me that I actually fine doing it and it was them that felt awkward, I could tell when the men would say to Ryan “oh Ryan how is your car, shall we go and have a look”. 

The midwife and health visitor couldn’t tell me enough what an amazing job I was doing and how happy my baby looked with all this boobie milk in her little belly. 

Grace was enjoying her lunch and me and Ryan were happily watching a movie with a buffet of chocolate, pure bliss. Until I looked down and noticed grace had blood all over her mouth and face, I panicked a lot! What the hell was going on. I wiped her face and realised there was nothing wrong with her but instead my nipple had cracked split open, excuse me Pinterest no one told me this would happen! I felt awful that grace had a mouthful of my blood but was told by the midwife it was totally fine and she would be ok. Yes she was perfectly fine but what about my poor nipple?!   I didn’t feed her on that boob for a few days as the thought of that happening again terrified me, again that was a bad idea. I never knew you could be in so much pain from breastfeeding, because I hadnt released any milk from that boob in just over a day it became engorged. It you don’t know what that feels like imagine your boobs being filled with concrete. I stood next to the bed at 4am crying and shouting to Ryan in pain. I looked down at the bed and it was milk bath, looked at my boobs and milk was dripping everywhere. What is this??? Blood, pain, cracked nipples. I was so excited after being pregnant to sleep on my front but I quickly realised any pressure on my boobs would activate the milk gun! 

I was constantly in pain unless I was feeding or pumping. It was a catch 22 situation, either I pumped to released the pressure and the amount of milk supplied easing the pain or I didn’t as pumping made them produce more milk but deal with the pain. Either way I didn’t win. 

I couldn’t stop breastfeeding, no matter the pain I had to carry on, I had to give my baby the best start in life. 

I was depressed, all I could think about was the pain when I wasn’t feeding and then the pain when the baby was latching on to feed. 

Ryan constantly said to me just stop and feed her formula, your not enjoying having a newborn baby. When feeding her it was such an amazing bonding experience I felt so close to her but I felt bad Ryan had never felt this feeling. So I thought if I am pumping instead on binning it why didn’t I put it in a bottle and let Ryan feed her. What a beautiful moment he sat on the bed and she took to the bottle straight away, he was smiling from ear to ear that her was feeding his daughter. 

I thought over time it would get better but didn’t, it got worse. I had hit rock bottom I was so unhappy all the time and it had only been two weeks, how could I do this for a year? Every time I went for a shower I just cried from the pain of the water hitting my nipples. Can I stop? What will happen to Grace? Will she be ok? That was it I couldn’t do it anymore. We already had bottles and formula ready in case I didn’t want to breast feed so I went into the kitchen and made a bottle. I laid grace in her usual feeding position and put the bottle in her mouth, I cried and cried the whole day and night. I felt so guilty, Mum guilt is the worst type of guilt. I still had some breast milk left so I mixed feeds between formula and breast milk. From the first feed she gulped it down like I used to drink prosecco, she looked so happy which made me more upset that I hadn’t enjoyed the first two weeks of her life for nothing. By week 3 she was the perfect weight (maybe a little on the chubby side) and she had a happy mummy. I could now sleep on my side, enjoy a glass of wine once in a while, have a hot shower without coming out covered in milk and most importantly enjoy being a mother. 

For me breastfeeding didn’t work out, that’s not to put anyone off but to say you know what if it doesn’t work it doesn’t matter. What really matters is being happy, Mum and baby! I logged into my Pinterest and pressed delete on my board - feeding.